Thursday, July 30, 2009
Worry
I am that mother that worries about everything, i worry that the cough is pneumonia, the headache a brain tumor, the leg pain leukemia, if they don't ride in their carseat they will be thrown from the car in a accident, i worry about silly things too like the food i feed them isn't healthy enough even though i grew up eating it, the little issue they have in school like getting in trouble for talking to loud at lunch means I have raised them wrong.. I worry worry worry that is just me I have been like this my whole life just ask my mom only now with kids of my own it has gotten alot worse just ask my husband. But living with a baby with a heart defect takes it to a whole new level. I watch him breath and check on him every min. to make sure he doesn't look blue, i am constantly asking Clint if he thinks he looks blue or if his breathing is to fast, I have refreshed my CPR and made Clint refresh his, I don't want to leave him with anyone even Clint. Everyday I fear the day of surgery, I cry to think of what that will be like for him, the pain he will be in, and I blame myself for this. No matter how many dr.'s tell me it wasn't my fault it was just something that happened nothing I did it doesn't matter I still blame myself. Then I start to feel even more guilty for giving Maccoy so much attention and less to Cayne and the other kids. They all need me and I want to be there for them.... Up to this point in my life as a mommy I have thought of myself as doing a pretty good job at dividing my time between everyone but now it just feels impossible. I want to stay strong and positive that my baby is going to be fine but "information" makes that hard, the facts,the statistics, the stories you read and hear about of kids with CHD. How do we make it to surgery day, how do I drive my little baby to the hospital knowing what is about to happen? These are things I think about every minute of everyday and when I try to put it out of my mind that makes me feel guilty? I feel like I am on this huge roller coaster ride of emotions and I just want it to be over and I want to get off of this roller coaster ride with my 7 healthy kids and wonderful husband and go back to life and all the little worries that I had before the ones that looking back at now seem so silly......................
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2 comments:
WOW I am behind from being out of town, sad news! I am sorry to hear about that and the added stress, but remember you can handle it and things happen for a reason so take a deep breath and try not to worry. :) I know easier said then done.
If you didnt worry I would very concerned. You are a mother, that is what we do is worry. That is why we cant sleep at night. You have to divide your attention between 8 people, plus try and have time for yourself. You are a very strong person, it might not seem like you can do it, but you will prevail through it all. We are praying for you and your family and keeping you guys in our thoughts. I believe that is surgery will be the hardest day of you life but it will also be that milestone that shows you he and you both made it through and how you have the rest of his life to celebrate. As for the giving enough attention to the others, they will understand and when he is doing better, there will be alot of love and less worry. Keep your head up, God doesnt give us more than we can handle, even though it feels that way sometimes.
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