yes they are all mine!!

Yesterday started out a day from hell.. I was freaked out,nervous,scared to death,you name it the emotions all came flooding back from July 5th 2009.. The thought of sitting down with the Dr. that diagnosed Maccoy's Tetralogy of Fallot, knowing that he had brought us terrible news that day and wondering if he would bring us terrible news yesterday was almost to much for this poor mama to handle.. The guilt of Maccoy's heart condition being my fault had left many months ago but reared its ugly head yesterday it was so bad I almost couldn't catch my breath.. After some encouraging words from my husband (whom I am pretty sure was just acting tough for me but was really scared to death himself) and from my great friends I headed out the door to find out what was going on with our sweet boy. As I was walking in my feet felt like they were stuck in mud, people of course kept commenting on the twins but I couldn't even be polite and answer/thank them I was lost in my head of what if's it's a horrible place I don't recommend a vacation there ever!! We got all checked in ( there front desk SUCKS! and I thought if this is how the whole visit is going to be this isn't the place for us) also the Peds unit is all together so you have sick kids mixed with heart kids which really pissed me off, anyway after the normal BP,weight,o2 sat check, etc.. we were put in a room and then greeted by some interns ( this is a big teaching hospital) which was fine, then sent to echo ( the girl was okay she didn't seem very patient) and Maccoy did as well as any 18month old I suppose, he was ready to get up and go but we were able to keep him still for a little while with good old bubbles and string cheese!! Back to the room to wait for the Dr. seemed like forever.... We sat in silence both of us anxious/worried. Dr. O came in just like I remember him from July 5th, He played with both babies and gave us a run down of the echo asked about the spells etc.. There is a name for the episodes Maccoy has its a big fancy word that I can't spell that basically has to do with circulation and blood vessels. He explained it to be like how your color changes from getting out of a warm bath into a cold room. Good to know! He didn't believe it was heart related just Maccoy in general. His Echo looks Great those were his words! He does have the leak which is still moderate, He said he believes we will be looking at a valve replacement in his teens but he is positive it won't require another open heart surgery. He pretty much said all the same things as Dr.Kaine. I can't explain the relief of those words or the fear of those words.. Fear huh? well you see that echo is like a security blanket for me. I would love to have one done monthly just so I know whats going on. When you have an infection on the outside you can see it watch it know when its time to go to the dr. Right? But your heart you can't see and when your 18mths old you can't tell your parents whats wrong how you feel( the 3rd year Resident actually asked us if Maccoy ever complains about chest pain..Really? he is 18months old) so its up to me to recognize the signs of a problem which is why I got so concerned with the episodes while I may have overreacted that's my job as a mom.. at least in my book. He would like to see us back right after summer break if we decide to stay with him. We have some big decisions to make but we are very happy to have a name for Maccoy's episodes, to know its not heart related and to know that his echo as of Jan. 2011 looks Good! So Thankful so very Thankful!!