SCARED

Its after midnight I am still awake.. I am Scared, Sad, Angry, heartbroken.... My mind is racing.. I want to go to Coy's crib and scoop him up and rock him and kiss him and just hold him.. I want everything to be over and him to be alright and back home army crawling on the floor with Cayne poking his ears and giving me that beautiful smile that I LOVE more than words can say..

I sit here and all I can think about is:

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A Heart-Lung Machine (upper right) in a coronary artery bypass surgery.

Cardiopulmonary bypass (CPB) is a technique that temporarily takes over the function of the heart and lungs during surgery, maintaining the circulation of blood and the oxygen content of the body. The CPB pump itself is often referred to as a Heart-Lung Machine or the Pump. Cardiopulmonary bypass pumps are operated by allied health professionals known as perfusionists in association with surgeons who connect the pump to the patient's body. CPB is a form of extracorporeal circulation.

Tomorrow we find out if we are going to proceed with surgery or if Maccoy's runny nose will set us back.. If its a go I have to hand my sweet baby over to a surgery team and let them cut him open and stop his heart... STOP HIS HEART......HURT HIM to make him better.... while I just sit and wait and wonder all the while my heart is breaking.. I am so scared... I cry, I scream, I hit the wall but I can't make this go away .. I have to pull it together for my kids I have to put on my big girl pants and a brave face kiss my sweet baby tell him everything is going to be fine, to be brave and strong and that I LOVE him soooo much and then leave him scared and alone and hope and pray he comes through all this with a mended heart..